The Internet is Out to Get Me

My roommate is out of town for the day. I am stuck here with nothing to do. So as is usual I'm surfing out beloved intewebs. I'm on Yahoo to check my E-mail and a choice piece of hate-fuel I couldn't pass up caught my eye. "Top 10 Things I Learned at the Teen Choice Awards '09." This is quite possibly the single most disturbing collection of statements I have ever found ANYWHERE on the 'net. Let's get started.

1. The best way to score a ticket to the Teen Choice Awards is to bring the 19-year-old ex-fiance of Bristol Palin, the daughter of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, as your date.

So, let me get this straight. The best way to be invited to this oh-so prestigious "awards" show is to travel forward in time, and arrive with the ex-fiance of the daughter of the former Governor of the shittiest state in the union who almost had a slight chance of being Vice-President for about three days before I flew out to DC and beat her to death with The Collected Works of Hunter S. Thompson. That's like saying the only way you can be invited to the family reunion is if you plan on showing up with that guy who once sold your second cousin's college roommate a pair of sneakers. That is retarded. And the real icing on this retard cake is that the "B" celebrity that tried to increase her status by showing up with a "Q" celebrity at best was professional boner-shrinker and annoying bitch Kathy Griffin. Fuck you anyone that gives a shit.

2. The Jonas Brothers are capable of sharing the stage with just about anyone and making it entertaining.

No part of that statement should make you want to live. I don't even know how to elaborate on this, my thoughts are too crowded with thoughts of The Jonas Brothers sharing a stage with John Wayne Gacy, Charles Manson, and Ed Gein. And by stage I mean locked basement. Also, what happened to Mike Tyson being a total nut job? The Hangover was decent, but this shit is pathetic.

3. It's best NOT to invite Dane Cook to teen-friendly events.

Dane Cook used to be one of the things, always remember kids: Dane Cook is not a human, I RAGED about most. Now not only is he still not funny, but he got what has to be one of the best audiences for his own brand of fuck-tardery to boo him. The only fault I find in booing Dane Cook is that he was doing exactly what I would have been doing: calling out a cam whore. Tits are fantastic, and I would greatly appreciate a link to the pics of Miss Hudgens, but if you are going to be a nationally known Disney princess DON'T PUT YOUR TITS ON THE INTERNET IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE CALLED ON THAT SHIT it's just that simple.

4. You'd be a fool to not be following Ellen DeGeneres on Twitter.

You can read my previous spout on twitter below. Twitter is dumb. And the way fucking celebrities whore for "Followers" is fucking disgusting. You can have the slightest possibility of winning $1,000 by licking the proverbial nutsack of a daytime TV hosting lesbian, and get the phone numbers of two of Hollywood's biggest cock-monglers at the same time, oh boy. Listen up celebs, if you want followers, follow the path of L. Ron Hubbard, now that guy knew how to get morons to follow, all the while getting loot insted of giving it away. Plus it's $1,000. I come close to making that in a month. And I work part time as a fucking shopping cart return.

5. Even pop icons like getting free swag.

Who doesn't? If I was 3 times more rich than Bill fucking Gates and you offered me a new pair of shoes for free you can bet your left nut/ovary that I'd take them. If only to piss in them and throw them back at you.

6. Show business really does run in the family.

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT A WOMAN LET BILLY RAY CIRUS HAVE SEX WITH HER MORE THAN ONCE! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER? Anyways... is Miley Cirus legal yet? Not that it would stop me.

7. Speaking of Miley ... what Miley wants, Miley gets. In this case, she wants an elaborate set.

Ummm.... what am I supposed to do with this. It's an awards show with performances by America's most un-talented celebrities. Celebrities are stuck-up douche-bags. They all probably wanted that set. Although I have this suspicion that away from the cameras Miley Cirus is quite possibly the worst human being on the planet to be around.

8. "Twilight" rules.

This genre ruining, mythology destroying, teenage vagina tickling demon-spawn know as Twilight is quite possibly my least favorite thing in the world, just before lighting my own testicles on fire and having someone else do it for me. Bram Stoker does a 720 Benihana in his grave every time anyone thinks about a vampire glittering in the sunlight instead of burning to death in a horrible torrent of agony. I need to find a way to keep the next movie from coming out and any others from being made. Simply killing all the stars won't do. Help me out here people. As a side-note. HBO's True Blood series is quite good. Get bitches addicted to that shit. The first time I hear "Bill is so much hotter than Edward" out of the mouth of a young lady I will drop to my knees and propose there and then simply on the grounds that she will be the only woman I have met in the past two years that I won't secretly hate for liking Twilight.

9. Hotties are humble.

Everyone is humble if they think it will get them a few fans or a few bucks. Also the very thought of that cock-smoker "vampire" fagot and that ugly bitch that probably cheated on Shia LeBeouf with that gay yellow robot just to see how big and metal of cock she could get inside her together on one stage conjures thoughts of them in the same movie. If I were president, making that movie would be considered an act of terrorism.

10. One-shouldered dresses are all the rage.

Finally, some usefull advice. I'll make sure to pick one up before my next party.

The New Internet is Pathetic

I just spent approximately 40 seconds on Twitter. I now am more pissed off than I have been since, well since about an hour ago.* I only went on to see what all the fuss was about. Twitter is fucking dumb. It is just a bunch of people sending outgoing messages to tell other people what they are thinking, or doing, or feeling, or any bullshit that they feel like polluting the internet with. If I gave a shit about your dumb ass going to the shoe store would I be sitting on my ass at my computer?** The real cherry on top of this slice of fried dog cock called social networking is that I don't see any way of responding to anything. It's simply a "What are you doing?" Without the small joy of being able to respond with the typical social niceties.*** Social networking is dumb. If I want to talk to my friends I have a phone. If I want to talk to strangers I have the Chan. And if I want to talk to myself I have My Little Epic to fill.



* In case you don't know me. I'm pissed off a lot.
** It's a rhetorical question, but I'll answer it anyways. The answer is, no one gives two tugs of a dead dog's cock about your menial life.
*** My idea of social niceties pretty much plays out like this: "What are you doing?"
"It's none of your damn business." Or, "OP is a fag."

A Letter to Space Aliens

Let's face it, if Earth is ever going to have a supreme overlord he's not going to be from this planet. He's going to be some ultra-badass from another galaxy with technology enabling the rules of space and time to be bent. Think about the possibilities of what this alien overlord could have for our planet. Now think about the last comment you left on YouTube, or anywhere else for that matter.

Now let's say you were a being from space with the power to destroy or advance entire civilizations with the wave of a tentacle. Alien overlord you read the comment that actual you left on so-and-so's Face Book, if you were to judge the entire population of Earth on this one piece of writing would you...

A.Vaporize Earth and all of it's inhabitants.
B.Free the people of Earth of all their problems using your super-advanced technology.
C.Challenge Earth to a winner takes all match of Halo 3 for control of the galaxy.
D.Tell your space-wench to make you a sandwich and observe Earth from distance.

Next time you post anything on the internet, ask yourself this question: if I were to judge all of Earth on this one iota of text, what would our fates be?